celluloidheroes

OK so mom is now officially on my Facebook page.

I debated on that for over a month.

Cousin is already on there. So is....well I don't know, mom's step cousin in law and her daughter. (She of the dubious sexuality)

Not sure what that will mean. I've already taken to biting my tongue on there. When politics are mentioned things often become bristly and Tiff is there to drive a knife in any time a certain topic comes up.

She just adopted. I tried to say congratulations and got a chilly response. My fault. I can't keep putting my finger into the socket without expecting to get shocked.

I started two new blogs. One on fatherhood/working dad stuff, the other on politics.

First major comment on the fatherhood.....from mom. Sweet, but...yeah, mom.

Also started two internet radio shows. Turned in the first two of my own show and the station manager said "perfect. I loved listening to you."

A moment of pride.

Done

Kim, where the hell are you? No word in two weeks. Are you OK? Of course you are, your Facebook status has been updated, but you aren't answering your phone.

I miss you.

OK early drive to SD in the AM. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It's been over two months since I have even logged in here.

Ugh.

Started two new blogs. Why? Because I'm stressed, really, really bad.

Work is scary. Why? I guess because the clock is ticking. PR is going nowhere. Stuck between old boss who is on her way out and refuses to help build up clients while insisting that I will buy her "list" to pay off 4K in debt. New partner seems incapable of focusing for long enough to actually do anything. (Like proofread 300 words I sent her two weeks ago?) I love them both dearly as friends, but one is abusing that friendship and abandoning me and the other just doesn't seem capable of working as hard as is needed. I don't know.

Freelancing isn't working, but I am trying.

I actually applied for a job for the first time in probably 15 years not long ago. With the RoV and I knew I wasn't qualified, but I figured I would give it a try and see if something else opened up. There is an opening at the school as well. Computer lab teacher. The outgoing teacher says to apply if it opens up to the public. It's just district right now. We'll see. It's only part time, but it would be during school hours so I wouldn't miss kid time, just work time. That might push me out the door, but who knows.

This was going to be something different. An I am an "addict" post. Though addict is the wrong word. I engage in compulsive behaviors, especially when stressed.


Blah, blah, long story and it's not nearly as bad as it sounds. Nothing illegal or bad...so just ignore that.

Anyway, this will probably become my personal dumping ground. Facebook has been invaded by family members and the other blogs are about fatherhood, sports, politics and work.

Like many people I got the FB talking point. So thanks to a friend who went right into the teeth I came up with a counter...

No one should die because they are forced into a health care system that does not serve them. No one should go broke because the Government mandates they pay for a system that rations health care. Demand health care reform! Health care is a choice. Fight for your right to choose. Fight government-run, health care. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.

And before anyone gets all riled up remember this.

Yesterday S had a surgery that was not 'necessary' in the grand scheme of thing. What she has doesn't ALWAYS become cancer. So under the Obama plan which will be overrun before it starts, such surgeries will be off the table in favor of people (like the woman in the room next to us) who actually has cancer.)

I'm not willing to pay for a system that will take a health care system that works for all but a very few (Most of them who choose not to have insurance) and includes safety nets for all people for one that will cost trillions, force small businesses to close, add to our 9.7% unemployment (Gee, good thing we pass that pork infested stimulus in March right? Otherwise things might be really bad....ha, didn't the Big O say that if we didn't give him a trillion in wasteful spending and political pay offs that unemployment might reach 9%? Way to go there Joe....Now it's almost 10, you paid off your cronies (Oh wait, only Bush has cronies, what do we call the corrupt nits Obama paid off to get elected? and if someone says a "posse" I'll shoot you myself.) I guess businesses figured out that the wasteful spending is not good for the economy and they are letting the President know by not hiring.

What was I saying? Goodness I'm up too early for this.

Anyway I am not willing to buy into a system that is WORSE than what we already have. No one wants people to die "because they don't have health care." That's really an offensive thing to even imply. It's also a stupid thing to say politically because it pushes moderates away. You want them to give up something and the way you ask is by saying that if they don't agree then they want people to die? What people? The 30 million who CHOOSE not to be insured while still buying beer, cigarettes, cable TV, ipods and the like? Or the 15 million illegal immigrants who aren't paying into a system they helped break?

So I came up with my own.....and someone will probably say something offensive and mean back to me.....tick, tick....

Whatever. I didn't shit in your yard, don't come shit in mine...speaking of, I need to go talk to the neighbor about the daily piles her dog is leaving on my front yard.

OK I'm not even sure I can fully digest this yet.

My focus here is not freedom of speech or the press…this freedom is all too often an exaggeration. ..blind references to freedom of speech or the press serve as a distraction from the critical examination of other communications policies.”

Mark Lloyd “FCC Diversity Czar”

Is there some logic in what he is saying? Yes if you want to stand on razor thing platitudes. I honestly don't think you can exaggerate a freedom that the Founding Fathers put FIRST in the Constitution. It isn't like they put the Amendments in a hat and pulled them out. (Funny visual that.) Shouldn't "communications policies" be ALL about freedom of speech and the press? I know, the FCC controls the media and keeps people from dropping F-Bombs and the like, but that isn't what he's talking about here. He's talking about making it against the law for a station to carry "too much" programming that leans one way or the other. (Remember my lefty friends, any sword you fashion today may one day be in the hands of someone you despise.) Isn't that the exact sort of "unpopular" (from the Administration's eyes) speech protected in the First Amendment?

Oddly enough, the "diversity czar" hasn't said a thing about the fact that ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN are virtually all the same in their reporting, their political leanings and their biases. How is that diverse and why would a diversity czar be singling out one network that is the polar opposite of the four headed monster that has dominated the airwaves for twenty years?

When Obama claimed to be against the "Fairness Doctrine" I called "bullshit" and I'm going to use that card now. This is the man he appointed to not carry out the FD. So he wants to do everything covered in the "Fairness Doctrine" but call it something else? Hmmm. We aren't going to war with Iraq. We are just going to send troops over there to take the cities, send bombers over there to blast them and change the leadership at gun point. It's not war, it's....a hostile take over...yeah that's it.

I'm sorry that Mr. Lloyd finds freedoms of speech and the press to be so minor as to not be worth his time. Hopefully the SCUS will make some room in their busy schedule to give a shit about the First Amendment lest it become simply a distraction from things like total control of the media and the complete suppression of anyone who dares speak out against the new regime.

I did very little...and don't know why.

The AC guy. We had stripped a wire a little too closely when we replaced the thermostat. That wire eventually snapped. Fixed.

I found a possum in the house. Yuck and scary. What if the boys found it? He didn't move until I pushed him over a foot with the bat and helped him out the door. One of them could have picked him up and...

Yeah that's why I'm in a funk. Those graphic visions. Why? Odd.

S has surgery Thurs. I think that is probably eating away at its panic cage too.

I lost an advertiser today. Sort of. They haven't paid so M cut them off his site. Do I want them off mine? Well if they haven't paid yes, But I don't have that 500. But I haven't had that 500 so the money he gave me was without the 500 I thought I have so.....good news? No, but bad news with a good side?

Think we have some PR clients and yet....I don't know. Something about working with R is scaring me. She seems sort of...I don't know.

We had a client. Someone my PR boss can't take on without losing her Mr. Big. So she was going to let us take her as our first. Then it became our name, her client. Her money. Huh?

So I don't know. It's one of those days where everything feels way, way off. I can't decide if I'm lonely, overloaded, sad, happy, scared or just too damn hot to think.

OK so PR boss wanted me to check in "early" (She's two hours ahead so early is EARLY) so we could do it before her biops. So I did. I let myself get up at 8 and sneak up here. Nothing from idiot boss man. She wants me hanging around and is now on the phone holding his hand and wants me to stay though he has only changed "two words" Ummmmm....CHANGE THEM YOURSELF!!!!!

Seriously, I know I'm paid to write and we have no editor so...but you KNOW I'm on vacation. Make simple changes yourself for once. Asshole doesn't know who is in his own movie? Why am I not in bed right now?

So I wait...to make tiny changes....and I rant.

Nah, I'm happy. Yeah I'm happy. I got my baby back....(Sorry, Eminem is on the ipod.)

Whole world's coming to an end Mal.....(NBK s'track now)

Mother humper.....now he wants to add stupid stuff that has nothing to do with this.

Note: P this is NOT his fault. He's always been this brand of asshole. It's not HER fault either. She's a whiny PA user and always has been. It's YOUR fault for not saying "I'm sorry, I am on vacation so any work not done before I leave will have to wait until I return home."

Simple yeah kid?

On another note, Rob Zombie should be drawn and quartered for what he did to "Halloween." I watched it with dad and it was such a waste of time. 40 minutes of back story? A second naked teen murder scene? A horrible false ending? No closet shot? Idiot.

Or maybe it just goes to show you how damn good John Carpenter really is.

Yes I shall go with that.

One hour later.....and he's giving us stupid notes.

OK so town hall meeting, Barney Frank yips back at the people making Nazi references. I'm of two minds there. On the one hand it is nice to see Barney show some backbone. Here is a guy more responsible for the mortgage collapse than anyone in the Bush Administration who has never faced up to that, but he will shout down an old man. Gotta love that eh? Actually I am glad that he pointed out how FUCKING STUPID it is to compare health care to the Nazis. On the other hand, where was all of this outrage when people were using the SAME language about the last President? I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. But those of you who engaged in it or stood by and wrapped yourself in the First Amendment like it's some kind of fucking security blanket to be trotted out when it's convenient don't get to whine and bitch now. You filled the fucking play box with water and now you complain about it being muddy?

The health care scam is a horrible idea that will take well-covered Americans and turn them into un-covered while killing jobs, harming working families and convert the best medical care system the world has ever known and turn it into a joke, but it has nothing to do with Nazi Germany. That's just silly.

But again, where was this logical thinking when signs with Bush as Hitler were all the rage? It's a two way street. If Bush is Hilter is OK then Obama is Hitler is fair game. Frankly I think it just shows that people have run out realistic political dissent and just want to throw monsters out there. I don't think Obama wants to put us on trains and gas us. He just wants to take good health care away from my family because we make too much money. (That's a joke of course when you consider I'm at 50% of what I was making just three years ago.) See, that's bad enough. I don't need to compare him to Hitler to point out the flaws in his plans.

Then again I'm just some crazy radical and according to the Obama supporters probably a racist for pointing out that health care reform can be achieved without socialism. How dare I?

You're too old to kid, too soft to rock.

On to happier things. It's gorgeous over here and I'm spending less time in the clubhouse than usual. I wish I weren't the only one who noticed though. Going to hang out outside more today. Maybe sit by the pool a bit. I haven't worked on the book, but I haven't really done much work at all. I just don't feel like it. It's too nice to sit by the water and listen to the stream.

Oh yeah and nice to watch Big Brother. What a wonderful train wreck. Chima pulls her own plug like the coward she is and then Lydia goes into full pout mode. How much to love watching her make an ass of herself. Drink some more you silly child. Go join Jessie and his "two fingers" for some fun.

All right, all of idiot's changes are in. I shall go make them and close the door on work for the week.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm in the clubhouse. I go twice a day and that seems to be too much for S's taste. Why? I guess I can see why, but they are all sitting around watching some movie on TV. What do I care? I have work.

That is pissing her off. PR boss knows I'm gone, gave me something to do. I did it. Wanted it done before I left, but was too busy. So I did it yesterday. As soon as I turned it on, asshole client wants something totally different. Sorry, but THAT was given to me while on vacation. But I'm here. Why? Because I want to keep things smooth and because PR Boss is having a biopsy tomorrow and I want the same sort of support we got when S went through it.

It sucks not having internet down in the condo. I still have to run the site. Still have to update. I know I shouldn't, but is it so bad that I take a little time? I guess it is.

Makes me sad. We're on vacation and fighting.

I'm waiting for feedback now on the release because I don't want to check in again later. This should be it for the week.

If she doesn't respond soon I am going to bail. She can make changes on her own.

I'm also getting calls all of a sudden from big wigs asking for advice. One of them is a guy I know to be scum bag (Based on shady biz dealings with a friend) but I am talking to him in hopes he can right his ship and pay my friend.

He also asked for the email of a friend I love dearly. I think I know why. But she is engaged and happy and he just had twins. I'm not one to judge, but.....

Dude, did you just keep me in the phone for an hour asking for a business plan to get the email of a girl? A beautiful and brilliant girl, but still...

The other is a sacred cow who apparently thinks I'm the one who should give him advice.

Toss in another crazy thing. Good friend, maybe top three friend is in deep. She put out an ad for a sub to put on a show with her boyfriend. (Long story) One of the replies she got back was from a guy she used to work with in sales. Total D'Bag who lied about her, tried to get her fired and ultimately helped strand her in Berlin with no money, no ticket home and no room. So, how can use use his reply to get back at him?

UGh, my sense of justice can come up with 100 ways, but my sense of right and wrong knows that you leave it alone. You leave private things private. Also my sense of survival says that when you are married (as she is) and have a boy toy on the side (Without hubby's knowledge and with boy toy unaware of said marital status) then you don't go around bashing single guys who happen to like to suck toes. It's called blow back and it could be a bitch. Talking sense into her has never been my strong suite.

On the bright side, the book chapter is nearly completed and the editor is thrilled with what I gave him so far. I should be working on that probably instead of venting here. Maybe it's because J and I have avoided debating. It's a good thing. I'm so done with that. What's the point. Someone pulled up an old post I made about Obama lying about taxes. I got a shit storm over that one but.....

Yeah we all know how that turned out. Not gonna raise taxes on us huh? Gonna get us out of the war right? Not going to increase spending.....Well spending has been increased a whole bunch, it hasn't helped anyone but political lap dogs and the thieves at ACORN, the two wars are not winding down and taxes are being raised on the working and middle class as we speak.

And health care.....thankfully that is going down in flames. When 85% of people are happy with their coverage you don't have a massive problem. Do most people wish it were cheaper? Duh. Most of us wish gas were cheaper too. Should we introduce government run cars that cost 100 times what our current cars cost just to get free fuel? That's what it comes down to. People who don't want to pay for insurance want something for free. People who don't want to work, want those who do to pay for it for them. That's natural. I want Bill Gates to give me 75K a year for life to run a web site. Why shouldn't he? He can afford it right?

We all want it to cost less to see a doctor. I don't want poor people to be sick. That's horrible. But you don't control costs by putting the Feds in charge. That NEVER works. You also can't take from people who work and give to those who also work but choose to spend their money on other things. We choose to spend money on medical insurance. We choose to spend it on life insurance. That means we go without. I have a 14 year old car with no AC and no radio. Why? Because we choose to spend our money on medical care and life insurance. (And other things.)

Ugh, what a messy rant. I just can't understand why people would actually say that I should work harder, pay more and get less just to fund something that I don't want, that won't work and that benefits people who make different choices. And then if I try to speak up...well all hell breaks loose.

I have a great deal of respect for people with differing opinions, but folks should never mistake my respect for weakness. Not should they mistake my strength for anger.

Anger...that is reserved not for political discussions but for how I am feeling now as I am being hit with "change this word" and "beef this up" from a boss who is home and NOT on vacation. This is what I get for telling her i could do "some" work. F that. I should have said. Nope, Friday is it. I'm gone.

Now I have to bite my tongue as she suggests a complete re-write and then face the anger at home for being gone more than an hour.

OMG, she is giving ME attitude........Heated discussions with women are tough. She pulls the passive aggressive shit and if I stand up, then I'm being a bully. The worst part, ALL of the suggested additions are ALREADY THERE...she just didn't read carefully enough.

I really do need a cut off vacation.

Goooooooooooooooooood idea chuckle-head.

Oh has there ever been such a glorious word...

Polyp....

After 8 hours of sweating it out thanks to some pi&&-poor communication from the Dr. office.

More on that later, but right now I'm enjoying the act of breathing too much to think of anything else.

Thanks for your prayers and words of encouragement. I know many people have faced much worse, but I feel like this was a very good wake up call. It's time to really appreciate what is and not worry so much about what is not, what might be and what might have been.

I want to name my next child Polyp.

Biopsy was Wed. They said we would hear Friday or Monday.
They also told her that the nurse usually called with good news. (Usually? Really, did someone use the word usually when discussing news about cancer?)
So S got a call today while in class from the Dr.
I tried to keep the boys with me, but she insisted on taking them to work and calling the Dr.
The nurse would not give her the results and said the Dr. would call her back.
She's freaking and won't let me come get the boys.
There aren't words to comfort. "It will be OK" sounds like nonsense. (Though true, I still believe)
I'm just waiting, waiting for her waiting to end, waiting to know what it might feel like. Scared that right now if feels like nothing. I tried to cry. I can't. Why? I cry at the end of Field of Dreams every time. Why can't I feel this?
Because it isn't real yet? Because it still could be good news? Or is it something else. I have prayed so hard for good news AND for the strength to deal with it no matter what. For the strength to be strong for her and to carry her.
Is this the second half of my prayer? Is this resolve? Is this the firm belief that no matter what the call brings we will fight and get through it?

God I wish I believed that.

So today is the day. Well, she goes in for a "consultation" with the b specialist. (Ha, I just used b instead of breast because....well gee, I never type words of an intimate nature.) So no news today, but it is still weighing heavily on the house.

She is going with her mom. Because someone has to pick big man up at camp. Her mom didn't want to drive in traffic so she is going to the Dr. instead. I've fought the urge to question that, to wonder if she just doesn't want me there and if so why. Just do what you're told soldier. She says taxi the boy, taxi the boy and be here. Quit wondering about pecking order. (There really isn't anyone else to get him.)

So today of all days, the site goes down. It's been out since ten so I have nothing really to work on. OK, not true. The book, but I'm still taking the site as some sort of sign. To deal with this. I've been sick for eleven days now and trying to think of anything but what might be happening with her. She doesn't want to talk about, so we don't. Fine, it's her thing. My need to explore my fears takes a back seat to her need to stay sane. That doesn't mean it isn't there. Right up there with me wondering why I haven't heard from the partners in six weeks and why they seem ready to drop me even though I haven't taken a dime from the biz since December. They should be falling all over themselves with how well I've managed....not the point.

It's nothing. My heart AND my head know that it's nothing. No family history, no high risk behavior. She's young, she is in good shape, she does all the right things. There is a family history for the other, non-cancer options, they had her wait two weeks just for a consultation rather than rush her in for a biopsy. All of this points logically to what I know in my heart to be the case, that this is nothing to worry about.

This time.

That's right. There will come a time when one of us doesn't have such a rosy outlook. I know this is not the time to worry about such things, but it has made me think. This really is forever. We really are joined together and will have to see one another through good and bad till "death do us part."

I am keeping my head on straight and going to wait to hear the good news. But I am also fully aware that the idea of losing her has scared the living shit out of me. I am not ready to raise these amazing boys alone. I am not ready to live the rest of my life without a woman who has done more for me than I can ever repay. This needs to be a constant reminder for me that some people aren't so lucky and that when things go bad, there really is no one who will be in my corner like she has been.

She honestly deserves someone much better than me so the least I can do is give her the very best that I have.

So they find a lump and say they need a biopsy, scare us to death and then make her wait two weeks to have one?

Isn't the whole point of having one of these to check out something that might be terribly wrong?

The waiting is killing her. She has hugged me more in the last two days than in the last two months and every time she feels like she might collapse. I know I can only be here for her and be positive and supportive, but it feels like....well it feels like not enough.

Meanwhile I await an email from M. How much money have I made in 09? The email could be 20K (Golden) 15K (Awesome) 10K (OK) or......see the or is killing me.

Called D today and he still thinks the 1500/mo deal could work. Again...golden (2K from site, 1K from stuff here, 1.5K from D, plus whatever R and I bring in and affiliate money could be...as much as 6K a month which is....twice what I need. OMG the CC debt would be gone in no time. I could have a car with AC and a stereo and maybe, just maybe I could breathe easier.)

But at the same time....the fear is there. I just no longer have the luxury of feeling it.

Not now. Not until S has her test and the tell her it's nothing. With any luck my shit will be done by then.

In the meantime staying up until I can no longer physically stay awake seems to be working. At least I'm sleeping nights.

You never want to hear your wife say....

"They found a lump."

It's going to be nothing. I know that and I have said it to her 100 times today, but right now she is back at work (Great week for a audit yeah?) and am I alone so I get to be scared and cry a little.

I wasn't ready for this shitty disease to take my mom at 25 (It didn't though it tried awful hard) and I'm damn sure not ready to have it take my wife at 41.

Yep, sister finally finished with the miscarriage. Not a happy thing.

Now I get to go with S tomorrow for a second mamo and ultrasound. They found something they didn't like. She's scared shitless. I haven't seen her this way since there was the dental scare during the first pregnancy.

I know it will be fine, but in my heart I keep wondering...what it if isn't. Mom beat breast cancer twice. Friends have beaten it, but still...why S?

In the middle of it all work is teetering again. When the energy flow is positive I see potential for a ton of money. (Ton meaning what I was making two years ago plus 20% which would be a ton for us with our new bare bones spending.) When the energy is negative I get the sinking feeling that it's over and I'm one email away from hanging it up.

None of that means a thing though. Not after what M faced last week and not with S worried about big things.

And I can't help.....I'm helpless and that kills me.

Long weekend. We have my nephew. Sister isn't through yet. I can't imagine what that must be like. Just waiting.......ugh.

Party was good. Encinitas is so beautiful. Can't believe little cuz is 30. Wow.

Scary emails from the web master. Think I'm on my own. Now I just need to use the fear and stress to push me forward. Got one good possible replacement for them if I need a new partner. Also got two strong leads on new biz partners. Bay area PR is one. She says she can bring in clients and maintain them, but can't write. We charge 500 a client, pay 100 for mailing list and name from my boss, then split the rest. 200 a month isn't bad. Five of those and I'm feeling good. 20 of those and everything else, EVERYTHING is gravy. Other friend thinks there is enough money from his clients to send me 1500 for writing PR. That happens and all of a sudden I'm half way there with nothing else. Get 5 from one and the 1500 from the other and I'm set even if the site dries up to zero...which it isn't going to do right away. I just brought in 550 in new income this week. So.....hope?

Yeah, hope, but I need to let this fear and panic burn a little. Turn that into the fire that pushes me forward.

We survived having an 8 year old girl for a few days. She's got issues, but she is a good kid.

I'm very tired which is good. My mind can't eat away at itself and the panic rat can stay on its wheel for a while.

She lost the baby...or better yet, is in the process of losing. Bleeding started, they checked her and there is no heartbeat. They sent her home and if it hasn't happened by Monday they will take care of it.

I don't think there are words to describe this feeling. Rage to the point of tears? Sadness to the point of exhaustion?

This sucks. She's my kid sister and I'm supposed to protect her. I can't protect her from this. I can't even hold her hand and say it's going to be ok. It's not OK. I know he/she wasn't born, but I also know the sadness in my mother's eyes when she talks about the sibling I would have had before M came along.

And yes, this happens all the time and it isn't happening to me so I should suck it up and deal.

Fuck that. I don't feel like dealing today. I feel like strangling whatever force is behind what is hurting my sister. I know it will pass. All things happen for a reason. Miscarriages are to ensure better biological chances.....blah, fucking, blah.

I guess I'm just happy that my nephew is with my parents for the weekend. They were supposed to be celebrating his new doctor-hood....ummm his becoming a doctor, that isn't some strange medical fetish sexual role play thing.....

Sadness to the point where anything in the world seems funny?

Maybe....

Getting some unexpected support these days.

Had two long text convos at the game last night. Mr. director man has some serious need for PR and wants to provide me with some killer new content for a little help in that regard. He is truly one of the good people. (And Ashley, remind me to tell you what a total dirtbag your celebrity date turned out to me. Mr. Director called him worse than RB who is currently in jail...good grief.)

My friend D also is doing well. Weddings have dried up, but he's doing corporate and other stuff. Kind of giving up on the PR thing. I said "you get the clients, I'll do the writing, we split." and he likes that idea. Also has some killer content for me and wants to meet for an idea exchange.

R sent me texts today. She spent a week at a tech end show and is sure she has found a way to build my site to the point where I'm flush and she can attach on and make money. I say...go for it. Let's get it done.

T has been really helpful as well. Both professionally and personally. She seems to sense lately when I need a friend and has been there. Sometimes I forget that she has been there for me 90% of the time.

On the other hand L freaked me out today. She pops onto AIM for the first time in who knows how long..."You're busy today right?" I said "Yeah, kind of why?" Then she was gone. I sent an email and several texts. Is she in town? Is she all right? I mean, yes I'm busy if you are in town and bored. Yes I'm busy if you need someone to spend a few hours with. No I'm not busy if you are in trouble or need someone to talk to.

No response.

For every good friend I have, there is always L to remind me that drama and selfishness is never very far behind.

It is still really nice to have some good news and support because things are more strained at home since they have been in years. The ice around here is paper thin and I'm not in the mood to dance around what's bugging me.

Note to Self: Bite tongue, bite it hard.

Had a great day today. We couldn't go see the new babies because cuz canceled it. Instead we went to a block party put on by one of R's pre-school friends. They block off the street, bring in water slide bouncers, have a huge BBQ, face painting, sno-cones, popcorn...it's great.

R had a blast. Was non-stop from 1 to 7, little R was a little shy as usual, but had fun. The food was good. I ate 4 burgers, a hot dog, some of the best grilled pineapple I have tasted and something I have never tried. Apple dip. Yeah a bowl of sliced apples with this awesome dip made with caramel, cream cheese and ground up Heath bars. It was like the best caramel apple you've ever had without the mess and with the outer goodness evenly spread over every bit. Freaking awesome.

We hit the fireworks after and they were fun.

Great to be around people far away from work and other stuff. Couple of awesome movie geeks, lots of really active parents and one baseball freak.

Hope all of you had a great 4th. I sent out a few text messages, got a few back. It was nice to hear from friends who were having a great day.

The funeral got me thinking....more later.

Lost it yesterday. Finally broke down and reached out. Got summarily shut down. (That's four times in a row when I really needed it.) So I ranted to a great friend who helped me see things in a different way.

Then today a another friend was there without being asked. With great insight and a very warm email that brightened my day.

Both helped me figure some things out. I talked to S and told her what last night was about. It put things on the right track.

Met my cousin's baby girl today. She is beautiful.

That's where I want to stop this. It's really about the best thing I can think about right now.

So my two friends who have custody of their granddaughters....the stories get worse.

C, who still insists that one kiss 25 years ago might have been destiny....ugh.....was holding her daughter's little one (Daughter by the way, has vanished, just gone...) when she had a back issue, lost all feeling in her legs and fell. The baby suffered a skull fracture, but apparently no bleeding at this point.

Yeah, that's got to be about the scariest thing I've heard in forever. Prayers....

S, who insists that she is ready to start a business, also has her granddaughter. I knew the daughter had some issues with drugs, but found out today that daughter is in jail for a year and HIV positive. OK, heavy there. S also is dealing with a drinking problem and has been told by her boyfriend that one more drink and she's gone. (Same boyfriend she wants to leave by the way, odd.)

So I have to wonder, which S is the sober one? The one who is motivated and fun and tries to make me laugh all the time? Or the one who disappears for a long while and acts like every text is a a loud juicy fart in church?

Just so very sad and scary.

Two weeks with no word from the partners. I think I have switched from "the worst possible monster behind the door" to "It can't be that bad or they would have told me" mode.

Hopefully word of the 400 from the new client will brighten their outlook. It certainly does for me.

Another week with non work stuff. Funeral Thursday, early, rush hour, ugh. Then the game Friday night and down to SD to meet with the cousins and meet my newest cousin (or baby of cousin, BOC) on Saturday. This is what passes for an "easy week" lately.

No complaining though. I'm taking the boys to S right now, then coming back with my head down and work to do. Work I shall.

BDay count: School=1, Pre-school=2 Baseball=2 Family=3

It's getting better I guess.